Elementary, My Dear Watson

By Upatissa Pethiyagoda –

There is legitimate concern about the levels of formal education of members of our Parliament. There is an alarming prevalence of those who have passed less subjects than is required for recruitment in the most menial of job, can sit in the exalted ranks, while peons who rush around replenishing the water jugs of MP’s, or mow the exquisitely tended lawns around the house, are required to have higher school qualifications. It is peculiar, is it not, that a guy elevated even to Cabinet rank, based on nothing spectacular by way of formal intellectual training, can aspire to dizzy heights, costing perhaps a thousand times more than the salary of a Minor Staffer? This is a complete aberration of the spirit and soul of “The Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka”. Do we even understand what Democracy means, what is something Socialist and what is a Republic?  Well I do not know, and plead for help from a more endowed and erudite person who can relieve me of my intelligence deficit. 

Not to brag, but I have served our homeland for half a century, in one way or another, and perhaps hold a record by not receiving any pension or other relief of any kind. I will not say “Thamba Sathayak” which is the literal truth, because the Copper one cent went out of circulation more than fifty years ago.  To add to this, I now have to pay a gardener a daily wage equivalent to half my monthly salary for being responsible for a Research Institute with a staff of about 800. Sure, things have changed and it is only my fault for not taking to politics. But I would need to make compromises between clean poverty and corrupt wealth. No envy nor regrets. My country has bestowed on me privileges for which I am deeply grateful. Not even a pinch of envy towards  those who have done,  and still do “Play the System”. I probably sleep better. My dear late friend Dhanapala Weerasekera, then perhaps the oldest survivor from Parliament, would tell us that he continued receive not  an  inconsiderable pension, which was adjusted upwards every month, in accordance with rising inflation. Good for him. As the Squirrel said to the towering mountain “Maybe I cannot carry trees on my back – but neither can you crack a nut”.  

But the point of my narration is that politics is the game. As long as this obscene inequity prevails, the will be no way to prevent undesirables creeping into this Diyawanna version of Valhalla (based on the Norse version meaning “The Hall of the slain” (no, not snail). Only the very opulent societal dregs of Bootleggers, smugglers and pimps can afford the investment – fully worth it for most prospectors. Ronald Reagan made the memorable Quip “I have heard of politics being the second oldest profession in the World. The more I remain in it shows me how closely it resembles the First”. Due apologies to the few worthies who do not merit this negative assessment. But then, “those who lie with dogs will surely wake up with fleas”.

Apologies for this diversion, but as that admirable and impish wit from Britain’s House of Commons, sagely observed “If thou tooted not thine own trumpet, the said trumpet will oft go untooted”.

But to return to my subject, in a masterly solution, by a lovely bit of “Lateral Thinking”, viz: “If we cannot elevate the bottom, why not enrich the top, and thus improve the Average?”. We cannot help but notice, that “Doctors” are popping up like Mushrooms (More accurately “Toad’s Tools), after a shower of rain. Actually a few (allegedly fake) “Professors” are also adding to the mix. I believe that during the Time of Prime Minister Mrs. Sirima Bandaranaike, an arrangement was made for “Promising” young MP’S, to follow a course at the Law College. Judging from the behavior of some of the beneficiaries (some of whom still “adorn” the political stage, it could easily amount to “Casting Pearls Before Swine”

What to do? If expectations are not met, why fret, at least the average is improved. Another example of successful “Lateral Thinking”. “Simple my dear Watson” as Sherlock Holmes would have it.

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